Those who really know me would describe me as a woman of few words, and yet when it comes to writing and self-expression, I have always had plenty to say and been able to simply just let it pour out of me, at least in written form. It is likely the result of going through the process of grieving my parents’ passing and the family breakdown that ensued soon after; compounded by me getting older and living a more routinary life with less peaks and troughs; less volatility and more mundane, repetitive activities. Either way, there is no denying that my creative juices have not been flowing as they used to for a long time now. I am well and truly stuck. As a result, I have decided to simply write about anything and everything. I will write as and when I feel like it without putting pressure on myself to produce the next blogpost. To that effect, I wish to start writing more in the form of diary entries as opposed to laborious pieces with a beginning, a middle and an end, a premise, an argument, and a conclusion. I am now at a stage in my life where I seek simplicity in all things. I know it is a natural progression as we age to seek such tranquillity. Could it be that we subconsciously veer towards what we know is inevitably coming? That way, there are no nasty surprises, no disappointment, just acceptance and an easier ride.

I do not know whether the defeatist stance suits me, though. I am like a bad weed (are there any good ones? lol); the harder you tread on me, the stronger I rise back up. Only, after this last knock, I am truly finding it so much harder. I go to the gym four times a week and on two of those occasions I do two classes back-to-back; all strength-training and cardio based, so I consider myself to be pretty fit for my age. Often, the endorphins kick in and I have a sudden burst of energy which enables me to be incredibly productive in terms of my motherly and business and homeowner duties, but little energy and time is left to focus on the creative side of me, the part of me which lives not according to responsibility and deadlines but rather to self-development and nurturing.

I was raised in an environment where high achievers were the most visible and respected and anyone outside of that category often went unnoticed through the growing up years regardless of their talents, work ethic or dreams. Outstanding results were the be all and end all of a happy, successful life and without those life lacked any purpose or meaning. It is for this reason that as much as I try, there is an overwhelming sense of guilt every time I find myself idle or with any kind of spare time to do what I want or need to feel fulfilled. I am so used to being productive with my time that on the odd occasion when I have that spare time, I fill it with more chores and items to tick off my to do list. Time and time again, I choose responsibility over freedom; tangible results over simply being in the moment, planning, meditating, pondering, dreaming. It is like an out of body experience where someone else takes over and gets it all done in robotic fashion, but where is my soul; what happened to my heart, my spirit? What in all that doing sets me apart from anyone else? What in all that performance defines the essence of ME?

Thank God I have two incredible children into whom I have invested every ounce of my energy: mental, physical, and emotional. They are an evolved extension of me. The work in progress that is me will go on long after I am gone hopefully. But what about me in the here and the now? Becoming and being a parent was a pivotal stage in my life, but what about the rest of my life? Is it selfless to continue investing in them or is it really cowardice preventing me from facing life head on and taking on new challenges? What am I afraid of? Surely, it cannot be failure. I have achieved so much already; been through so much already. I truly could not care less what other people think. What then has such a powerful hold on me; what are the ropes tied around me that are holding me back from venturing forward to new possibilities?