Life is a messy affair!

Photo courtesy of my son

It always throws me out of kilter how we live life with such breathless intensity, with such a sense of self-importance. We strain and strive to seek purpose and we convince ourselves that we are the movers and the shakers, that the entire world will cease to be, should we stop to actually take a deep breath and savour the act of simply being alive. And yet, at a moment’s notice all that relevance, meaning and feeling that we are right where we are meant to be, comes crumbling down, is pulverised when we learn about the passing of another or their terminally ill diagnosis.

I had such news about an old friend this morning, and quite frankly, I am shocked to the core. I mean, I am a fairly positive, driven person who is industrious and eager to make life better for those around me, those dependant on me, and at various stages of my life also for strangers in need. My life makes complete sense. I am on a journey, and I am increasingly aware that to every beginning there is an inherently tragic end, but nothing prepares you for the sense of weightlessness, irrelevance even, that the news of someone’s sudden, unexpected death inundates us with.

Humans are desperately born into an existential dilemma; and unsolvable equation: in order for our lives to be maximised, to garner the utmost sense and purpose, common sense forces us to become selfish, self-absorbed, limited in our sight. We choose a lane in our journey, and we stick with it, because we know a race is only truly won if we focus primarily on what is around us, if we persevere to the end. And yet, living that way equates to applying a tight blindfold on ourselves. We enter a period of denial about our rightful place in the universe, about our irrelevance when confronted with the bigger picture. Is it safe or even ethical to live any other way, though? Can we truly live if we are permanently aware and reminded of our own finiteness? Wouldn’t that be the same nonsensical behaviour as barricading our own exceedingly small window of opportunity to live in the moment, to savour every breath, every experience enjoyed or hoped for? When I heard the news of our friend who has had a severe brain bleed and whose prognosis, if he comes round, is to live the rest of his life in a vegetative state, my sense of self just went up in smoke. What is this absurd game called life that we put every fibre of our being into taking part in and winning, if that elusive higher power can just arbitrarily and abruptly throw us out of the game? What is the point of even playing if our odds overwhelmingly point to losing before we get to the end that we strived and hoped for? Numb in my kitchen in my family’s presence, time stopped, and I felt as if I were standing in front of a mirror, but I could see nothing. No before, no now, no tomorrow. Nothing, just a fleeting shadow embodying a gradually intangible lifetime. What is the point of it all if after all the striving, the worry, the suffering, the fear, we can just seamlessly go from being the masters of our universe to the dust in someone else’s journey?

8 thoughts on “Life is a messy affair!

  1. Always such wonderful and thought provoking insights. You are natural at reflecting, perhaps you are the mirror.
    Sorry to hear about your friend, and I love the photo of the bee. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Rainey! I always look forward to your comments with huge anticipation. You always give me a different perspective I have not entertained. My friend passed away soon after I wrote this post. There was no hope whatsoever according to the doctors, so the machine was switched off. Impossibly sad and tragic. The photo is my son’s. He set up his photography business a year ago but it is an incredibly competitive profession. We shall see!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi M – Another beautifully written, but this time tragic post. This sort of news about a friend or relative is so hard to process, I know.
    Your son’s photo is wonderful. Is he studying photography or planning to make this his profession?
    I have not been on Twitter much recently, but this morning went to look you up, wondering how things were with you. I hope nothing awful happened on there to make you withdraw?
    All best wishes, Ian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Ian! Your feedback is very much appreciated and it means a lot. I do have a new Twitter account and followed you from it but you didn’t follow back so I thought you weren’t that bothered to keep in touch. My new handle is @enigmafest


  3. angel

    This is the best descriptin of life I have ever read. You truly inspire me to be serious with my own writing again because I can tell from your blog that when you are the most honest and pure with your emotions, your writing beomes magic.

    Liked by 1 person

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