There is one remarkable thing about grief and losing someone who was a pillar in your life. It is a sobering reminder of how cruel and unforgiving time is. So much energy and effort invested during a life span in things and people which are inconsequential to our development or well-being. Why do we do it? Why is peer pressure such that we succumb to it at the expense of our own freedom? The death of a loved one, specially if you lose two people who are most dear to you at once, is a pivotal moment of reckoning: no more bullshit, no more pretence, people pleasing or wrestling with yourself to match other people’s expectations of who you should be. It is incredibly liberating but also ruthlessly punishing in that a process of shedding skins begins until there are no superfluous layers left. For the very first time, everyone gets to see the real you. It does not matter whether they love or despise what they see. They will hate you anyway simply for having the audacity to go against the grain, to break all convention and to think of your own needs first. It is through that exposure that we become vulnerable to the attacks of the world, ostracised for having the nerve to live according to the integrity and honesty of one and one only.
I am tired. I am so tired of trying so hard to not rub people the wrong way; tired of fitting in in an environment that is foreign, adverse, and harmful to me and my own needs. I am tired of complying so that I do not grate on those who live by what society regards as polite, courteous, admirable, acceptable behaviour. The tribal syndrome that obsesses over belonging and meeting the criteria to be accepted into the herd, following a certain code, certain patterns and attitudes, certain beliefs, acceptance or rejection, praise or judgement, the never-ending gossip or mocking of others which help us validate our own perceived superiority. This invisible societal collective force becomes the monster that rules over us and suppresses the individual for the sake of the entity, the herd, the gang, the tribe, whatever you want to call it; the group we humans desperately try to belong to so that we can feel loved and accepted, we can feel valid, successful and powerful.
Surely, the biggest life achievement in the world we currently live in has to be succeeding in disregarding misinformation and the mighty oppressive force within cancel culture, beating to your own drum and striving to develop that discernment that is so essential to navigate the murky waters of social media, politics, the news and even religion. Irrespective of what you may think about the bible, there is no denying there are buckets of wisdom within it. One of my very favorites and a mantra that dwells in my brain often is: Bad company corrupts good morals/character. I am often looked at like I am some sort of rare and weird animal species because I am extremely vigilant, guarded, and selective when it comes to whom I let into my circle of trust and friendship. And as with anything or anyone human beings fear and do not understand, they tend to malign it and try and persuade others to give it a wide berth. It can be lonely at times and incredibly challenging to the point where your core is shaken and broken as you doubt your own self. Do not succumb to that pressure. Better to be alone than in bad company.
I’d be very interested to hear other people’s views on this, so if you are reading this post, you are very welcome to leave me a comment. I don’t have all the answers, far from it, but I am fully aware of what is good for me and what is not. Loneliness I can cope with. I actually feed and grow from times when I am alone. I crave it all the time. I need it as much as I need water or food. What I cannot live with and can easily kill us one day at a time is going against our gut instinct, our principles, our nature. We all struggle with coping with too many voices in our head, but it is vital to listen to that small voice that is telling us to swim against the current. If it is challenging, unpopular and often lonely, nine times out of ten, it will be worth it and it will be right.
The Inner Voice 
Hello again,
And thank you for another interesting and thought provoking read.
Strangely this one made me think of my parents. I will explain.
My Dad died in 2004 and my Mum ten years later in 2014.
I realise looking back that how I behaved , particularly before my Dad died, was influenced by what he would think, his approval or otherwise.
So when he died, although it was sad, it was also liberating. I have a 24 year old son. He doesn’t remember my Dad but he does remember my Mum. But my parents passing allowed me to be free. It set me free from judgement (or at least judgement I care about).
I put myself first and I don’t fret about what others think of me. I like myself and that’s what’s important. And I have an excellent relationship with my son….which is also key to my happiness.
Opinions of others are just that…. opinions. They’re of no real interest to me. I might be bemused if they’re wide of the mark (or what I consider to be), but it doesn’t make me lose sleep.
Having said that I don’t go out of my way to upset others and don’t force my views (politics etc) down their throats. I find it more interesting to try and understand where they’re coming from (eg how did they come to such mad views 🤣)
In summary be yourself…everyone else it taken…
Donald
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Hi Donald,
Thank you very much for your comment. Much appreciated! It is reassuring to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way. You raise an interesting point about how we relate to our parents. Of course most of us want to impress our parents and seek their love and approval from a very young age, and that can condition the way be behave and the things we do, which we may not necessarily do once they have gone. In my context, it’s more about the relationship in a couple. My husband is very sociable and I am not, so I feel enormous pressure to comply with his wishes and his expectations of me when it comes to his friendships and acquaintances which are often not mine. This creates arguments and upset. When we were first married and whilst our kids were growing up, I went against my nature to please and be sociable; to create an environment which was conducive to my children to develop and maintain friendships. Similarly, I would entertain at home because this is what was expected of us as a couple with young kids in a relatively affluent area. I hated all of it but I did it to make another person happy, because it was social etiquette and what was expected of us. These days and since my parents’ passing I only agree to do those things which make ME happy; I only nurture friendships and acquaintances which I sense and/or know will be healthy and beneficial for me even though that causes friction in our marriage. It’s a tricky one! I fear this may be where our different cultures and nationalities (my husband and mine) clash. I don’t think the average Spanish man would put such pressure on me on that particular issue. Maybe I’m wrong! I guess I’ll never know.
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Hello again, I’ve been meaning to reply to your long response for a while; but as usual life got in the way. But now it’s Sunday afternoon and I’m having a quiet day so thought I’d take the time to write. It’s interesting what you say about balancing your wants with those of your husband regarding socialising etc. I was divorced way back in 2006 so don’t have that issue. It’s all water under the bridge now and I’m pleased to report I still get on well with my ex wife. I live in a relatively affluent area like yourself (Surrey) and I’m quite glad to be out of the couples socialising ‘circuit’. And being a different cultural background to your husband brings unique challenges I imagine. I would say though to stay happily married in this day and age is quite a success. Like most divorced people I never imagined in my twenties that I would ever go through a divorce. Life brings its challenges whatever stage we’re at, and I think what’s important is to face them and navigate through them as best we can. Enjoy your weekend Donald
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Hello again. Yes, absolutely. We can only do our best. Parenting is a tall order but marriage is hands down the biggest challenge for me. Call me a cynic but I don’t trust couples who say they never argue or fall out.
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