It is weird to think this was me less than two months ago. I am not talking about the physical appearance but my mental state; how I felt when I took that photo. The Menorcan vibe; its energy had the desire effect on me, and I felt so positive, so empowered, so healthy and most importantly, so at peace.
Move forward a few weeks. I am now back in Blighty and though there have not been significant challenges thrown my way, I feel so rattled, so caged again, so left behind. It is difficult to explain without sounding spoilt or entitled. From the outside, it looks like I have it all and why should I complain? And yes, I often ask myself that very question too. And yet, I know that this is not how I am supposed to live: always settling, always having to jump in the gap.
Even as I write these words, and though I have not written anything for nearly two months, I am constantly interrupted by WhatsApps, knocks on the front door, phone calls demanding my attention, my help, my opinion, my counsel, my advice, my actioning something that is not to do with me but with someone else’s happiness. And that’s all great and yes, I feel grateful to be able to help others in any way I can, but I am human, and I often wonder: and what about me and my needs? Who is that person that puts my needs before their own? All my family are over in Spain, so the only contact I have with my parents is weekly by phone. My father has Alzheimer’s and my mum’s life is consumed looking after his every need, so I do not expect her to spare a thought for one of her five children who lives thousands of miles away by choice. Each of my siblings is occupied with their own responsibilities and families. I get that. I also get that I live in a different country, but I often wonder if they think about me as much as I think about them.
I also wreck my brains often wondering if I am just too needy. I mean, isn’t this how everybody feels? Neglected, unappreciated, taken for granted?
I was having a bit of a moan on a tweet this morning and I quote:
“How are my tweeps today? I don’t even have time to come up for air these days. Work, home, my kids, business, correspondence, and on and on the roller coaster goes. It never stops and I feel dizzy with it. There must be more than this…”
To which one of my followers replied:
“Sounds like a full life…Be careful what you wish for…”
My immediate reaction was one of shame and guilt for complaining when I have so much in my life. But then as the minutes went by, I could feel righteous anger bubbling up inside. Anger that one is expected to settle; anger that a busy life is perceived as a happy life; anger that people assume that if you have a family and are married, you have got it made and have no right to expect anything more. Yes, I am fully aware that I have more than most, but I am also painfully aware that having much does not equate having much of the right kind of stuff; the kind that gives you peace, joy and a sense of contentment, acceptance.
I guess my time away in Menorca filled my spirit with light and hope, but the intensity of that light was such that it blinded me from my problems, my insufficiency, my needs instead of obliterating them. It acted like a plaster on a raging wound; it stopped the bleeding for a time, but it did not heal the root cause of the wound. I don’t think those around me will change their ways and so I am left faced with the impossible question: is it me who needs to make that radical change?